10 Ways to Mess Up an Interview

For your entertainment, here’s another take on how to answer interview questions you may face:

1.  “What’s your biggest mistake on the job?”  Talk about the time that youremoved a safety rail to retrieve an item you had dropped, resulting in you falling several feet.  Hey, it shows that you can think for yourself.  No running to your supervisor with every little problem for you!

2.  “Who was your worst boss, and why?“  Tell the hiring manager ALL about that jerk you worked for two jobs ago.  Really, they want Every. Sordid. Detail.

3.  “Why did you leave your past employer?”  Gush, “I really loved working for that company… If I had not been laid off, I would still be there!”  It shows your loyalty.

4.  “What have you been doing during your layoff?”  Explain how you are working to get into the Guinness Book of World Records for the most rotations in one minute while hanging from a power drill.  (At least it’s not the smallest corseted waist you’re going for.  That’s just creepy.)

5.  “What motivates you?”  It’s important to be honest in an interview, so just tell them the truth: “Money.  Lots and lots of money.”

6.  “Tell me about your children.“  Now here’s a topic you know a lot about!  Go on and on about your little darlings and yank out the photos you have.  You know that once you were hired, you would have their pictures and artwork all over the place, anyway.

7.  “What are your short-term and long-term goals?”  Be sure to keep all the focus on yourself and what you want to do.  By doing so, the company will know what they have to do to conform to your expectations.  You’re a quality candidate, so they should have no qualms about doing that.

 8.  “Describe how you intend to reach your objectives.”  Oh, this is easy.  “By riding on the coattails of others.”  (What — it’s a legit strategy, right?)

9.  “Why should we hire you?”  Respond, “Because I’m the best.”  Yeah, people really like overconfident divas who think that everyone else in the office is stupid.  This kind of attitude is especially great for management positions.

10. “Do you have any questions for us?”  Are you kidding me?  Don’t ask a thing.  If you can get out of there without bolting for the door or fainting because of your nerves, consider that an accomplishment.

Obviously, don’t follow any of the advice put forth today.  Well, unless you want to bomb the interview.  And I’m sure you don’t, so just run in the opposite direction of everything said toda